Over the past several weeks, we have seen a new awakening to the depth of sexual misconduct and harassment in the workplace. While much of the reporting focuses on lewd behavior, most of that is for dramatic impact.  The real problem is much deeper.

Men have been marginalizing, dominating and taking advantage of women for much of our human history. While some of this feeds a need for sexual gratification, more often it is about a need for power and control. 

It should be noted that such abuses are not limited to male abuses of females. Nor is it always sexual. Women are "kept in their place" and marginalized in many ways.  So are others who fall victim to the abuses of power and control so prevalent in our workplace and our society. 

The late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has referred to this pervasive behavior as the culture of dominance.  I think we all can relate to the "pack" mentality that makes us acutely aware of the established pecking order and our place in it.  Many are busy climbing to a higher position, even if only in their own mind, and it is almost always at the expense of the status of another.

This is apparent in our relationships, our styles of communication and how we treat those around us. Interestingly, this culture has its own way self perpetuating. Not only do some choose to treat others as lesser than themselves, some also choose to be subservient.  

Unfortunately, the subservient role of women has been accepted and enabled for a very long time by both genders.  The #MeToo movement demonstrates an awakening to the need for change. But just as waking up in the morning is the beginning of a new day, this, too, is only the beginning of a needed evolution in human behavior. 

If we are going to make a difference in our workplaces and in our society, we need to consider a different approach.  Each of us has a role in perpetuating the problem or encouraging change. Bringing all this out in the light is a start. But if we do so with our typical blame, shame and guilt all the typical defenses of denial, excuses and blame shifting will impede progress and any meaningful change. 

We need to be able to talk about this issue openly with a greater interest in seeking solutions than assigning blame. This starts with each of us admitting we are humans who have made, and are making, choices that may not serve the greater good. How we look at those behaviors, what we learn from them, and what we do in the future to improve is much more important than anything done in the past.

I fully recognize, and readily admit, that I have objectified and marginalized women.  For that I am truly sorry and apologize.  I believe that I have grown to the point where I can recognize past mistakes and improve my behavior.  I also recognize that there is much I can still improve.

As I watched the drip, drip, drip of accusations and admissions, I longed for one person of prominence to step up and lead us to the future.  Most deny, deny in part, or admit, and withdraw to the shadows of guilt avoiding the public view.  So much more could be gained by simply admitting poor choices in the past, being open to discussing ways to improve, and leading the way to greater understanding and the search for real solutions that will benefit our society as a whole.

This awakening is wonderful to see but it is only the beginning.

Have you ever had that moment when you said to yourself, "I wish I hadn't done that; or, I wish I had..."  And how often were either of these followed by "but...."

And then come the reasons why - why we failed, didn't do what we intended or allowed some outside influence to hijack us and cause problems.  It wasn't our fault.  We couldn't help it.  We were tired or weakened or overcome.

Many of you will instantly recognize this as a bit of avoidance.  And what are we avoiding?  Accountability?  Perhaps, but the more powerful question is "Why?"  Why do we avoid accountability?  Why is this mental process so common?

I believe there is a simple answer to this question.  We want to like ourselves.  We simply don't want to think of ourselves as being bad people or not caring.  When something hits us that raises guilt or shame or implied wrongness we feel a push and instinctively push back.

We push back with reasons or excuses.  We push back with blame for others or outside infuences beyond our control.  We blame bad habits or bad upbringing.  We call ourselves victims.  We may even look to some deeply hidden character flaw that cannot be corrrected.  We push back with anything we can that will help us feel better about ourselves.

And so, we overcome the foe of self recrimination, feel better and go on.  Often that means going back - back to making the same mistakes with no postive change.  

How much better it would be if we could simply say.  "OK!  That didn't work out so well.  Now, what happened and what will I do different next time to improve the results?"

It is much less painful and far more helpful to look at postive change in the future rather than dwelling on negative judgement from the past.

You may also want to consider this the next time you want to see a positive change in someone else!

That was too close for comfort!

How many times have your said that?  How many times have you heard it from others?

We often experience situations that blast through our comfort zones causing a sudden adrenaline rush with anxiety or fear. People, too, can get too close for comfort.  Each of us has a personal comfort zone that, when encroached upon, can cause a wide range of uncomfortable feelings.  We all have and need that invisible protective shell around us.  We all have and need boundaries.

Boundaries take two distinct forms - physical and emotional.  Physical boundaries have to do with the personal space around us.  Emotional boundaries have to do with the extent to which the actions of others have an emotional impact on us.  Our boundaries may change over time and will vary with respect to different people and different situations.  

Our personal space is a very important part of how we interact with others.  Personal interactions tend to be more positive, productive and successful when the parties are comfortable with the situation.  Discomfort can arise simply by an unintentional invasion of another's personal space.  In the early sixties, anthropologist Edward T. Hall coined the word "proxemics" to describe the study of how personal space is used in interactions.

Throughout the animal kingdom we see examples of the selective use of personal space.  As an example of social interaction we may note that birds tend to line up uniformly on a wire.  Deer will tend to spread out over a territory and over population can lead to sickness and starvation.  The herd of zebra can be comfortable seeing a lion but will begin to flee if the lion gets too close. 

This distance may change in different situations.  I can get pretty close to a Canada goose in my back yard and yet it can be very difficult for a hunter to get that close in the wild.  While I would be very cautious of a bear in the wild, I am much more comfortable in the protective confines of a zoo.        

We tend to keep our distance from strangers but will allow those we know to get much closer.  Someone who grew up in the country like me can be very uncomfortable having a lot of people in close proximity.  Those who come from more crowded environments have a different perspective. 

Cultural differences can have an impact on individual comfort zones.  North Americans, Northern Europeans and Asians tend to prefer more distance and little if any touching.  South American, Arab and Mediterranean cultures tend to be more comfortable with closer proximity and may appreciate physical contact.

Even situational expectations can affect our perceived need for space.  I might be disturbed by a stranger suddenly walking up to me.  However, I can be comfortable when close to a number of strangers while in line for a movie or in the stands at a ball game.   

Emotional boundaries are best defined as the limits placed on how much impact the actions or opinions of others can have our own feelings and self esteem.  The limits are established by saying "no."  This may be "no" to abuse, "no" to unreasonable demands, or "no" to offensive, belittling or hurtful comments.  It can be an outward expression. "No, I won't do that." It can be an inward expression. "No, I don't believe that." 

It is important for us to set boundaries.  Without a firm grasp of our own boundaries, we are like a ship without a rudder pushed and pulled by every wave of opinion or manipulation that rolls along.  Generally, those we care the most about can most easily impact our emotions.  But we choose who to allow to impact us and to what extent.  The key is in our ability to make those conscious rather than unconscious choices.     

In both forms of boundaries, we need to recognize the common links.  First,  boundaries are established through and driven by trust.  Boundaries are dependent on the level of trust we have but significantly influenced by our desire to establish trust and be trusted.  Second, we can only overcome the problems associated with boundaries through an understanding of how our perceptions of boundaries differ.  Finally, understanding is best facilitated through open, honest and direct expression of the boundaries.

It is important to find a positive way to advise others of your personal boundaries and when you are uncomfortable.  I have always liked a simple three part statement.  When you..., I feel... So would you please...  Here's an example.  When you stand too close to me, I feel very threatened.  So would you please back up just a bit?  Here's another.  When you point out my mistakes in public, I feel embarrassed.  So would you please discuss them with me in private?

You can't assume that others will be comfortable telling you about their boundaries.  In the interest of positive human interactions you need to be aware of the impact you are having on others.  Avoid threatening , intimidating, abusive and manipulative actions or  statements.

Watch facial expressions and body language for telltale signals that you are too close for comfort.  Discomfort can be expressed through widening of the eyes, furrowing of the brow, tightening or biting of the lips, leaning away or stepping back, tense or tightening muscles and a rigid posture.  

We all want and need appropriate boundaries.  Acknowledging ours and being sensitive to others' are essential to good relationships and a productive workplace.