That was too close for comfort!

How many times have your said that?  How many times have you heard it from others?

We often experience situations that blast through our comfort zones causing a sudden adrenaline rush with anxiety or fear. People, too, can get too close for comfort.  Each of us has a personal comfort zone that, when encroached upon, can cause a wide range of uncomfortable feelings.  We all have and need that invisible protective shell around us.  We all have and need boundaries.

Boundaries take two distinct forms - physical and emotional.  Physical boundaries have to do with the personal space around us.  Emotional boundaries have to do with the extent to which the actions of others have an emotional impact on us.  Our boundaries may change over time and will vary with respect to different people and different situations.  

Our personal space is a very important part of how we interact with others.  Personal interactions tend to be more positive, productive and successful when the parties are comfortable with the situation.  Discomfort can arise simply by an unintentional invasion of another's personal space.  In the early sixties, anthropologist Edward T. Hall coined the word "proxemics" to describe the study of how personal space is used in interactions.

Throughout the animal kingdom we see examples of the selective use of personal space.  As an example of social interaction we may note that birds tend to line up uniformly on a wire.  Deer will tend to spread out over a territory and over population can lead to sickness and starvation.  The herd of zebra can be comfortable seeing a lion but will begin to flee if the lion gets too close. 

This distance may change in different situations.  I can get pretty close to a Canada goose in my back yard and yet it can be very difficult for a hunter to get that close in the wild.  While I would be very cautious of a bear in the wild, I am much more comfortable in the protective confines of a zoo.        

We tend to keep our distance from strangers but will allow those we know to get much closer.  Someone who grew up in the country like me can be very uncomfortable having a lot of people in close proximity.  Those who come from more crowded environments have a different perspective. 

Cultural differences can have an impact on individual comfort zones.  North Americans, Northern Europeans and Asians tend to prefer more distance and little if any touching.  South American, Arab and Mediterranean cultures tend to be more comfortable with closer proximity and may appreciate physical contact.

Even situational expectations can affect our perceived need for space.  I might be disturbed by a stranger suddenly walking up to me.  However, I can be comfortable when close to a number of strangers while in line for a movie or in the stands at a ball game.   

Emotional boundaries are best defined as the limits placed on how much impact the actions or opinions of others can have our own feelings and self esteem.  The limits are established by saying "no."  This may be "no" to abuse, "no" to unreasonable demands, or "no" to offensive, belittling or hurtful comments.  It can be an outward expression. "No, I won't do that." It can be an inward expression. "No, I don't believe that." 

It is important for us to set boundaries.  Without a firm grasp of our own boundaries, we are like a ship without a rudder pushed and pulled by every wave of opinion or manipulation that rolls along.  Generally, those we care the most about can most easily impact our emotions.  But we choose who to allow to impact us and to what extent.  The key is in our ability to make those conscious rather than unconscious choices.     

In both forms of boundaries, we need to recognize the common links.  First,  boundaries are established through and driven by trust.  Boundaries are dependent on the level of trust we have but significantly influenced by our desire to establish trust and be trusted.  Second, we can only overcome the problems associated with boundaries through an understanding of how our perceptions of boundaries differ.  Finally, understanding is best facilitated through open, honest and direct expression of the boundaries.

It is important to find a positive way to advise others of your personal boundaries and when you are uncomfortable.  I have always liked a simple three part statement.  When you..., I feel... So would you please...  Here's an example.  When you stand too close to me, I feel very threatened.  So would you please back up just a bit?  Here's another.  When you point out my mistakes in public, I feel embarrassed.  So would you please discuss them with me in private?

You can't assume that others will be comfortable telling you about their boundaries.  In the interest of positive human interactions you need to be aware of the impact you are having on others.  Avoid threatening , intimidating, abusive and manipulative actions or  statements.

Watch facial expressions and body language for telltale signals that you are too close for comfort.  Discomfort can be expressed through widening of the eyes, furrowing of the brow, tightening or biting of the lips, leaning away or stepping back, tense or tightening muscles and a rigid posture.  

We all want and need appropriate boundaries.  Acknowledging ours and being sensitive to others' are essential to good relationships and a productive workplace.

"He makes me so mad!"  "She just rubs me the wrong way!"

How familiar are these phrases?  These comments and many like them are common in the workplace.  They are used in reference to managers, employees, co-workers, customers and clients.  Sometimes, they are even aimed at colleagues, friends and family.

But the truth is that no one makes you mad.  You make yourself mad.  People do what they do.  You decide if those actions "rub you the wrong way."  It's a choice!

I have often said that the success of any organization is dependent on the people who work there.  All organizational improvements begin with individual improvements.  The first step toward peak performance is taking responsibility for one's self.  Along with that responsibility comes a recognition of the awesome power of choice.

The greatest power we have as human beings is the power of choice.  We choose our behavior, our actions, and our reactions.  We choose our responses, not only to the actions and behavior of others, but to every single thing that happens in our lives.  We can't control the world or everything that happens in it but we do choose how circumstances affect us and how we react.

The mind is a wonderful tool.  It allows us to process immeasurable amounts of data, formulate judgments and make decisions with incredible speed.  In his book Think Better, Tim Hurson talks about three neural functions that help us analyze faster with less thought.  These functions can be very helpful when health and well being depend on quick decisions.  They can also help us avoid getting bogged down in over analysis on the endless decisions needed just to get through the day.

However, rapid judgments are not always accurate and quick decisions are not always the best decisions.  In our fast paced lives, the need for speed often leads to choices that are not well conceived.  Often, so little thought is given to the choice that it seems unconscious.

When the choices are unconscious and the results are problematic or painful it is easy to fall into the role of a victim.  The victim always has someone or something to blame.  They can blame their co-worker, their boss, the economy, the government and even the position of the moon.   

But even the unconscious choices are ours.  We must take responsibility for them.  We choose to be angry.  We choose to judge or blame others.  We choose to react without thinking.  Sometimes those reactions cause irreparable damage. 

Perhaps it is time to develop the discipline to avoid those "helpful" habits that speed along the process of judgment and decisions. Perhaps faster is not always better.  Perhaps we can slow down and think before we react.  Perhaps we can turn the unconscious into conscious.    

It is never good to languish in the swamp of self pity.  Accept the consequences of the choices made.  Then make better choices.

No!  I'm not talking about the stuff that that turns six strings into a screaming guitar.  I'm talking about the type of open, honest, direct communication that is critical to the process of identifying real opportunities for improvement.

Hundreds of managers have asked how to make their performance improvement processes more effective.  My answer is always the same.  Abandon annual reviews and focus on systems that offer frequent, honest balanced feedback.  

Annual performance reviews really do very little to improve performance.  I once heard someone say that depending on annual reviews to create improvement is like “dieting on your birthday and hoping to lose weight.”  To be really effective we need consistent on-going feedback.

But the value of feedback doesn’t begin and end at the workplace doors.  Feedback can help us improve in every aspect of our lives.  Well placed feedback offers avenues for improvement, increases self confidence, and enhances relationships.

Of course feedback is of little value unless we can trust the source.  There is an inherent link between trust and truth.  Trust rarely exists in the absence of truth and truth is rarely given in the absence of trust.  Yet folks frequently don't want to tell the truth and, all too often, people don't want to hear the truth. 

Feedback rides on the same two-way street.  To be successful we need to be skilled in both giving and receiving.  Gloria Auth with Protocol Plus says that "Giving feedback is not for bullies and receiving feedback is not for sissies."      

To receive good feedback we must first learn how to give permission.  That sounds easy.  Just ask for feedback!  Right?  Well we need to do a bit more than that.  We need to reassure people that we value their opinion and are really ready to listen to what they have to say.  We need to demonstrate open mindedness rather than search for approval.

We must always be aware that the giver will be watching our reaction.  When we get defensive or angry we are really telling others we don't want their feedback.  It is important not to take it personally and not to over react.  Remember, they are simply providing input that we can digest, consider and use or not use.

The most important thing for the giver is to first obtain permission to give feedback.  Six simple words can work wonders.  Can I offer you some feedback?   When we get permission we should use it wisely being sincere, honest and assertive.  The truth does not require a sugar coating.  Nor does it need to be delivered in a ring of fire.  We need to focus on the issue not the person.  No one really cares much about our opinion.  People are much more receptive to suggestions than to judgments.               

Finally, feedback must be balanced.  Even the most constructive of criticism carries a sting.  No one wants to live in a hive.  We need the balance of positive feedback as well.  Positive feedback builds self confidence and enhances trust.  Without acknowledgment that we are on the right track, we may start looking for another path.

I am not one who favors softening the blow by opening with a positive statement.  I think that approach sends mixed messages.  It is far better to simply view others with a balanced eye.  That means seeking as many opportunities to praise as we do to criticize.

Good feedback is like a lighthouse.  It reassures us when we are on a safe course and advises us when a course correction is needed.  And it does all this without ever casting a judgment upon us.