Over the past several weeks, we have seen a new awakening to the depth of sexual misconduct and harassment in the workplace. While much of the reporting focuses on lewd behavior, most of that is for dramatic impact.  The real problem is much deeper.

Men have been marginalizing, dominating and taking advantage of women for much of our human history. While some of this feeds a need for sexual gratification, more often it is about a need for power and control. 

It should be noted that such abuses are not limited to male abuses of females. Nor is it always sexual. Women are "kept in their place" and marginalized in many ways.  So are others who fall victim to the abuses of power and control so prevalent in our workplace and our society. 

The late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has referred to this pervasive behavior as the culture of dominance.  I think we all can relate to the "pack" mentality that makes us acutely aware of the established pecking order and our place in it.  Many are busy climbing to a higher position, even if only in their own mind, and it is almost always at the expense of the status of another.

This is apparent in our relationships, our styles of communication and how we treat those around us. Interestingly, this culture has its own way self perpetuating. Not only do some choose to treat others as lesser than themselves, some also choose to be subservient.  

Unfortunately, the subservient role of women has been accepted and enabled for a very long time by both genders.  The #MeToo movement demonstrates an awakening to the need for change. But just as waking up in the morning is the beginning of a new day, this, too, is only the beginning of a needed evolution in human behavior. 

If we are going to make a difference in our workplaces and in our society, we need to consider a different approach.  Each of us has a role in perpetuating the problem or encouraging change. Bringing all this out in the light is a start. But if we do so with our typical blame, shame and guilt all the typical defenses of denial, excuses and blame shifting will impede progress and any meaningful change. 

We need to be able to talk about this issue openly with a greater interest in seeking solutions than assigning blame. This starts with each of us admitting we are humans who have made, and are making, choices that may not serve the greater good. How we look at those behaviors, what we learn from them, and what we do in the future to improve is much more important than anything done in the past.

I fully recognize, and readily admit, that I have objectified and marginalized women.  For that I am truly sorry and apologize.  I believe that I have grown to the point where I can recognize past mistakes and improve my behavior.  I also recognize that there is much I can still improve.

As I watched the drip, drip, drip of accusations and admissions, I longed for one person of prominence to step up and lead us to the future.  Most deny, deny in part, or admit, and withdraw to the shadows of guilt avoiding the public view.  So much more could be gained by simply admitting poor choices in the past, being open to discussing ways to improve, and leading the way to greater understanding and the search for real solutions that will benefit our society as a whole.

This awakening is wonderful to see but it is only the beginning.

“I don’t care.”

I hear this said so often that I can’t help but consider what lies beneath such apathy.

In some cases, it seems that people really don’t care. They don’t care if the customer is satisfied. They don’t care if a colleague, or supervisor is disappointed. They don’t care if a friend or loved one is hurt. They don’t care if they personally fail.

Seemingly, they are not impacted by potential consequences. They may have discovered that they will not be held accountable, there are no consequences or the potential consequences are of no concern. But it can also have an impact on their feelings. They feel no pain, grief or discontent when things go wrong or end badly. They have no fear of the future. Such apathy can offer a safe and comfortable euphoria.

Then there are those who say it in an effort to try to convince themselves that it’s true. This is sometimes used when things have gone wrong and they are trying not to feel the consequential sting. It can also be used in advance of outcomes to reduce the fear of facing negative consequences or feelings.

Apathy is like a drug - an insatiable desire for nothing. It numbs us to the potentially negative feelings associated with outcomes. If we don’t care then the outcomes don’t matter.

But outcomes should matter. They are a part of our life and numbing ourselves to outcomes is like disconnecting from life. We then also become numb to potential joy, pride and triumph.

Pain is a frequent, normal and natural consequence of caring. So is ecstasy.

It seems that every time I interact with a business as a customer I get a gift. Either I get a good experience or I get a lesson in how not to act with or around my customers.

I needed a few things for a project I was working on today and went to a local store to get them. At checkout, the line was a bit long and it was obvious that the cashier was a bit overloaded. A male employee came up to that part of the store and asked her if she need help (keen sense of the obvious).

She said she did and I thought he was going to help out. Nope! While standing amongst the customers, he yelled out, “We need help up front.” Then he shook his head in disgust and walked off to do something else.

How would you guess this might have impacted me and the other customers in line? One might wonder about how the people in this store get along. One might wonder if he can expect to be treated the way the employees treat each other. One might wonder if the disgust was an indication that others are lazy, indifferent or negligent. And if that is the case, how might that impact my customer experience at other times.

Could he have handled that differently? What would you have done in his shoes?

The way people perceive us, is the way they perceive our business. That perception will always be based on our behavior – not just toward the customer but toward the world in general. Most important, whether you are the owner, a manager or an employee at any level, the perception customers have of the business impacts your potential for success.

Interaction opportunities abound when traveling by air. It's also a great chance to review how the airlines interact with their customers. I had the luxury of participating in both on my most recent flight to California.

As we were ready to pull away from the gate for takeoff, the pilot announced that someone noticed fluid on the wing of the plane and there would be a short delay while it was investigated. A few moments later he came back on to tell us they had not yet determined the problem and it would be a little longer. He added that, to keep us informed, he would come back on every 15 minutes to provide updated information or advise us that nothing had changed.

Here is where it starts to get interesting. Sitting next to me was Kathy Nolfo, a wonderful sales professional with Concur Technologies. She had an app of theirs called Tripit. It consolidated all itinerary information and provided updates whenever anything changed. She opened it and started getting updates on the flight status with revised departure times.

As we talked about her business, she kept me posted each time the departure was delayed a bit further. After some time, the pilot came through the cabin to tell us that nothing had changed and they had no updates. It was nice of him to do this but it was significantly longer than the promised "every 15 minute" update. When Kathy asked about the delay in getting back to us, he quickly dismissed her by saying she was wrong in her estimation of the lapsed time and moved on.

A few minutes later, Kathy got information through her app that this fight was, in fact, being cancelled. It provided the new departure time and gate details. A few minutes after that, the pilot addressed us through the intercom announcing to all passengers that we would be deplaning and giving the new departure gate and time. Of course this was the same information Kathy and I has at least 15 minutes earlier.

Any lessons here?

I want to compliment the airline for spotting the fluid, investigating the problem and keeping us safe. I would also point out that the two hour delay provided some excellent opportunities to strengthen the airline's relationship with its passengers.

A bit of creativity might have made the wait more tolerable. Moreover, some missteps actually lowered the airline's image regarding customer care. First, the pilot reached out with concern but failed to meet the expectations he established (updates every 15 minutes). Second, rather than acknowledging that and apologizing, he rudely corrected and dismissed the passenger that pointed it out. Finally, and perhaps most important, accurate and available information was delayed in its journey from source to pilot to passengers.

How often does your rumor mill get out in front of the truth? How do delays in getting out information impact the image of your organization or the opinion employees have of management? When this happens you may, in the best case, look inept or negligent. In the worst case you may look devious or inconsiderate.

Providing timely and accurate information to those you serve will always show concern for them and for your relationship with them. This can apply to everything from product recalls to the service tech's arrival time to preparation time on a meal. Just remember that your image depends on meeting any expectations you establish.

The pilot put an excellent spin on the event by pointing out how well the airline performed in "doing the right thing" regarding the leak and keeping us safe. Somehow, I just didn't feel any better about the airline's real concern for me as a customer.

Thanks to Kathy for a great conversation, accurate information, and a blog worthy interaction. 

How we act, how we react and the paths we follow are our own choice!

It has been said that we think with our heads but act with our hearts.  Our spirit controls our conduct, shapes our attitudes and provides the basis for how we perceive our world.  And our spirit is directed by core values.  It is not a question of whether or not we have core values.  We do!  We need to ask; "What are those core values and are we aware of how they impact us?" 

Organizations have a spirit as well. The spirit, and prevailing attitude, of the organization is reflected in its corporate culture.  While referred to as corporate culture, this driving force exists in groups and teams of all sizes.  Although they may not be openly expressed, core values are still in play.  Even cliques have core values.  If you doubt that, simply observe what happens to a member who fails to follow "the rules."

The culture of a team can be a positive force toward cooperation and success or contribute to conflict and hopelessness. Here’s the good news. We can determine what that culture will be and we can change it if we choose.  The best way to establish a positive culture is by establishing, articulating and reinforcing a positive set of shared core values.

When properly established, the shared values of the team become an integral part of each individual's personal values.  The leadership of an organization must take the time to discuss and determine what core values should be reflected in the organization’s culture. These values will focus on areas such as quality, ethics and character. It is important to describe the way employees should interact with each other and with customers.

The core values should be put in writing. Do not take the easy way out by picking a single general statement that, in its generality, fails to offer any real meaning. Keep the list fairly short, and each value simply stated. The core values need to be easy to remember. The list of core values should be distributed and discussed with every employee and all managers. This list should be brought out regularly at team meetings as a reminder of the organization’s highest aspirations.

As leaders, management should lead by example. The core values should be brought up and used as the basis for making decisions and resolving conflict. Leaders should discuss and communicate how their decisions and actions reflect, or fail to reflect, the core values. Core values should be the basis of discussion when addressing desired changes in behavior. 

Core values can be emphasized through reward systems. Managers and employees can be evaluated and rewarded according to the degree to which their actions and behavior reflect the organization’s core values. I am particularly fond of programs that provide a mechanism for employees to recommend peers and managers for awards based on actions that exemplify the company’s core values. Frequent team meetings where awards are presented for demonstration of core values are particularly effective for reinforcing a positive culture.

Every culture has its own expectations for behavior. Those who wish to be a part of that culture behave accordingly. The most successful teams are those that first focus on “the heart of the matter.”

Just how far can we bend the truth before it breaks?  With elections underway, the air waves are filled with the messages of political “spin machines.”  We are constantly bombarded by advertising that blurs the concept of honesty, elaborating on positive elements while conveniently avoiding or down-playing the associated risks and concerns.  At the interpersonal level, truth is tempered by concerns about the feelings of others or what others might think of us.  And worst of all, we often don't want to hear the truth and may even hide necessary truths from ourselves to avoid the challenge of change.

For some, deceit is an easy way to avoid accountability or achieve an agenda.  But for most of us, honesty continues to hold its place as one of the most respected pinnacles of human virtue.  We recognize that truth is the virtual building block of trusting relationships.  We see a world that seems to cry out for less deceit and more trust.  Open, honest, direct communication is critical to our personal success and to the success of our organizations.

Honest expression of opinions will always enhance the quality of team decisions.  Only through a clear and accurate understanding of our customers’ level of satisfaction can we improve service, retain clients and attract new business.  We need truthful assessments of current performance in order to understand what changes are necessary for greater success.  Jack Welch, the former CEO for General Electric, once said in an interview that we “do not help people by letting them believe they are doing better than they are.”

Understanding the need for truth makes it no less elusive.  So why do we struggle?  Why do we bend, “sugar coat” or temper the truth?  Oddly enough, it gets back to trust.  The relationship between truth and trust is interesting.  We know that betrayal destroys trust.  But it is also a lack of trust that causes us to be less than honest.

Sometimes the truth hurts.  We don’t want to be blamed for the pain.  We don’t trust that others will take our comments in the spirit they are intended.  We’re not sure how people will react to what we say.  This lack of trust may be the result of past experiences.  However, it may be the result of our own anticipation of how we might react if the roles were reversed.

Perhaps it is time for a new commitment to honesty.  Perhaps we need to look at both the delivery and the receipt.  Perhaps we need to consider how we can build trusting relationships by offering critiques with respect and kindness while listening to them with understanding and a sincere desire to improve.     

How we deliver the truth is critical.  I like what Chuck Gallozzi said in his article There is no right way to do something wrong, "Did you ever notice that people who are brutally honest get more satisfaction from being brutal than from being honest? 

While we continue to express the importance of being honest with others, we cannot lose sight of the importance of being able to accept the truth.  Tom Landry once said that a coach is “someone who tells us what we don’t want to hear so we can be what we want to be.”  The truth gives us the opportunity to learn, to grow, to correct, to adjust and to adapt. 

In the final analysis, it comes down to us.  We must develop the discipline to be honest with ourselves.  "Illusions are an interesting aspect of life. Some are perpetrated upon us while others are created totally within us. Often, it's hard to tell the difference."

Business is conducted through human interaction.  Success, for any individual or group, depends on positive relationships.  Trust is the critical factor for building and sustaining positive relationships.  Unfortunately, trust is often elusive and frail.

Patrick Lencioni, in his book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, depicts team dysfunction as a pyramid with five layers.  The bottom layer is the base for all the rest - “absence of trust.”  The absence of trust not only causes challenges at work but often erodes our personal relationships as well.  

Individual performance improves in high trust environments.  People who feel trusted tend to have increased self confidence.  They are more willing to try new things, have higher levels of responsibility and tend to hold themselves more accountable for results. When employee trust is high, the workers feel more secure, are more loyal and stay with a company longer.

Managers cannot do the work themselves.  Their success depends on the ability to effectively delegate tasks.   A supervisor that does not trust the workers will have difficulty delegating.  When managers take on too many tasks themselves, or lean toward micromanagement, stress levels increase with resulting decreases in performance.  Low trust delegation often overworks the more trusted employees and limits the opportunity of other workers to establish trust.

Team success requires open, honest and direct communication.  In trusting environments, team members are more willing to share their weaknesses and mistakes.  This allows the team to work together toward improvement.  Team members who trust each other are more open to positive confrontation and more willing to engage in healthy conflict.  This level of communication promotes greater understanding and better decisions.

Many of us look at trust as something that must be earned.  This is a learned behavior.  New born babies seem to have an unusually high capacity for trust.  It is only after frequent breaches of trust, frequent perceived or real betrayals, that we arrive at the point where trust must be earned.  Paradoxically, it takes trust to build or "rebuild" trust.

The trust building process flows in a positive self perpetuating cycle.  As we take a risk to trust and others respond favorably, trust grows which then leads to more comfort in trusting.  The negative "betrayal" cycle is also self perpetuating.  When someone takes the risk to trust us and our actions cause them to feel betrayed they are less trusting and less likely to take the risk to trust us in the future. This gives us little opportunity to demonstrate that we can be trustworthy.

A perfect example can be seen in open, honest, direct communication.  When we trust others, we are more comfortable being open in our communication with them.  When trust is lacking, we may tend to withhold information or even be deceptive.  Our honesty is respected and builds trust.  However, If someone perceives that we are dishonest or secretive, they feel betrayed and trust us less. 

Here are a few tips that can help you build or "rebuild" trust.

1. Take risks - empower others and share openly with them.

2. Be open, honest and direct in you communication.

3. Accept honesty from others.

4. Respond to others openness with respect and concern.

5. Be accountable - do what you say.

Establishing and sustaining trust requires exploration and a concerted effort over time.  The value obtained from improved relationships and resulting levels of achievement are worth the effort.  Take the risk.

What could be better than having a positive impact on others. When I impact you in a positive way, not only does it lift you up, but it makes me feel good as well. Even more amazing is the indication that people observing acts that create positive impact have a similar release of serotonin and subsequent lift in spirits.

Positive impact is great at an individual level.  As a part of the culture of an organization, it becomes a driving force for success.  Organizations that have a positive impact on their customers and clients build long standing partnerships and awesome reputations.  The whole reason for concern with the quality of products and services is concern for the resulting impact.

When the pursuit of positive impact becomes a driving force within the organizational culture, we create, what I call, a Positive Impact Organization.  In a Positive Impact Organization, members at all levels recognize the value of positive impact.  There is a shared understanding that the source of impact is not limited to products and services, but is deeply rooted in the nature of our interactions -the way we treat those we serve.

In a Positive Impact Organization there is a shared understanding that every individual's personal performance and interaction skill is affected by the impact others have on them.  In the interest of mutual success, employers want to create a positive impact on employees and employees on employers. All members of the team or organization want to have a positive impact on each other. This desire to create a positive impact then spreads beyond the walls of the workplace to the community and others who may be interested in what we have to offer.

It is important to note that positive impact is not some level of excellence to be achieved.  Rather, it is an ongoing process that seeks innovations and methods which may enhance the nature of the impact we have on others.  In a Positive Impact Organization, everyone is on the journey - engaged in the pursuit of a more enhancing experience for all involved.

Now that is a trip worth taking.

Have you ever had that moment when you said to yourself, "I wish I hadn't done that; or, I wish I had..."  And how often were either of these followed by "but...."

And then come the reasons why - why we failed, didn't do what we intended or allowed some outside influence to hijack us and cause problems.  It wasn't our fault.  We couldn't help it.  We were tired or weakened or overcome.

Many of you will instantly recognize this as a bit of avoidance.  And what are we avoiding?  Accountability?  Perhaps, but the more powerful question is "Why?"  Why do we avoid accountability?  Why is this mental process so common?

I believe there is a simple answer to this question.  We want to like ourselves.  We simply don't want to think of ourselves as being bad people or not caring.  When something hits us that raises guilt or shame or implied wrongness we feel a push and instinctively push back.

We push back with reasons or excuses.  We push back with blame for others or outside infuences beyond our control.  We blame bad habits or bad upbringing.  We call ourselves victims.  We may even look to some deeply hidden character flaw that cannot be corrrected.  We push back with anything we can that will help us feel better about ourselves.

And so, we overcome the foe of self recrimination, feel better and go on.  Often that means going back - back to making the same mistakes with no postive change.  

How much better it would be if we could simply say.  "OK!  That didn't work out so well.  Now, what happened and what will I do different next time to improve the results?"

It is much less painful and far more helpful to look at postive change in the future rather than dwelling on negative judgement from the past.

You may also want to consider this the next time you want to see a positive change in someone else!

From where will come the light when the candle burns out.

Almost every leader will deal with burnout in some way at some point in time.  It may affect you personally bringing a sense of mental or physical exhaustion.  You may even develop an attitude of indifference or a sense of failure.  In business burnout can translate to lack of motivation and reduced performance even bringing increased conflict and a high rate of turnover.

Most people associate burnout with too much work and too little time off.  Over-achievers and folks with an excessive desire to please or “look good” are prime candidates for the problems related to burnout.  Consequently, the most common advice includes taking a vacation, avoiding overtime or using delegation to lessen the workload.  In extreme circumstances professionals may even suggest quitting your job or changing your career.

In most cases reductions in stress can decrease the probability and severity of burnout.  Stress builds up when there is not enough balance in life.  Find time for relaxation and fun with family or friends.  Taking time to enhance your spiritual side will also prove to be a valuable stress buster.  Get away for some quiet reflection, meditation or prayer.

Current research indicates that workload, pace and balance are not the only contributors to stress and burnout.  Some workplaces seem to be alive with excitement and enthusiasm.  Performance is high, the pace is quick and often, the hours are long.  Yet employees in these businesses often seem immune to burnout.  What is their secret?  They have ignited passion and learned to overcome the more subtle causes of burnout.

Here are three less talked about factors and some things you can do to avoid them.  These factors are not limited to business but can arise in non-profit and volunteer organizations as well.

• Repetitive or tedious work with little meaning.  Be sure that everyone understands the connection between their work and the success of the business.  Assign several diverse tasks and allow time to move back and forth between them to break the monotony.  To ensure the sense of accomplishment, set specific short term goals for each type of task and celebrate the success of reaching those goals.   

• Lack of positive feedback and recognition.  Get out of your office, get around to the workers, catch them doing something right and thank them.  Acknowledge everyone’s efforts as often as possible.  Look for good things happening in your team or company and use this as a reason to bring everyone together, celebrate the success, and recognize each person that contributed to the success.

• Unrealistic demands or objectives.  Be sure that your expectations are realistic.  Watch out for “piling on.”  Often tasks are assigned without consideration for existing priorities.  The result is a pile of tasks that all need to be done right away.  Being overwhelmed, there is a fear of failure and a significant increase in stress.  Remember to establish realistic expectations for all tasks and with each new task.  If you are the recipient, ask how the new task fits into current priorities.

Follow these simple tips and the light in the window of your business will never burn out. 

In my last blog, I talked about the impact of using fear as a method of exerting influence.  I've been asked, "If fear is not an option, what do we use instead?"
 
Encouragement!
 
In an economy based on connection and the need for strong relationships, it is far better to encourage others to do what we want than to threaten them with repercussions if they don't.
 
We need less focus on "or else" and more focus on "if then."  The typical fear promoter says, "Meet my expectations or suffer the consequences."  The relationship builder says "If you can meet my expectations, then these good things can happen."
 
So then people ask, "What about consequences?"  Yes, by all means we need consequences.  But consequences need not always relate to penalties for failure.  We also need to celebrate what we want to see more of.
 
There is a constant battle between the use of positive and negative reinforcement.  Surely, with so much riding on our ability to influence others, we can get creative enough to balance the equation. 

Fear is a powerful motivator.
 
Just consider all the choices we make because of fear - fear that we will lose our job, that we will not get a raise, that we will fail, that "the boss" will be displeased.  And those are just a few of the motivators in the workplace.
 
Then there are the more general ones we deal with every day - fear that someone will not like or stop likening us, fear of guilt, fear of shame, fear of injury to reputation or image, fear of the loss of friendship or love.
 
Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!!
 
And rest assured that savvy marketers know how to use fear to manipulate our choices.  You might miss out on the best deal.  You might not be "in" with the "in" crowd.  You might suffer injury or worse.  Your freedom may be in peril.  Your future is in jeopardy.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

Here's another thing to consider about fear.  No one likes to be afraid.  That is the main reason it has such impact.  On the other hand, we are unable to attach oppositional feelings to the fear itself.  Instead, we most often resent or are angry at the source of the fear - the person or thing that creates it.

It might be good to consider this whenever thinking about using some aspect of fear to influence or motivate others.
 
The consequence of using fear as a motivator may be something to be feared.

Recently a client sent me a an excellent question.  Someone suggested to her that she should try to treat all employees equally.  She asked me if that is even possible.

My belief is that you cannot and need not try to treat all people equally.  People are different from each other and, by that very nature, need to be treated differently in different circumstances.  Dealing with diversity in the workplace is not about getting everyone to be the same, but rather about understanding and appreciating differences.  Then we can begin to demonstrate tolerance and inclusion.

A perfect example of these principles can be seen in our work on understanding and building trust.  We acknowledge that our level of trust varies according to individuals and situations.  I wouldn’t trust a jet pilot to perform brain surgery.  I wouldn’t trust an eight year old to catch me if I fell from a chair, but I may well trust a professional football player to make that catch.  Similarly, we need to be more tolerant of someone who is learning new skills than with someone who has ample ability and has had ample opportunity to learn those same skills.     

I like to use the term “equitable” rather than “equal.”  Being treated “equal” tends to imply being treated the same.  The term “equitable’ leans more towards fairness and reasonableness which allows for consideration of individual differences and situations.

In striving to treat everyone equal, we may well discover that we are not being fair.

Make a mistake. Please!

When was the last time your boss said that to you? When was the last time you said that to people who work for you?  In fact, when was the last time in any situation that anyone encouraged you to make a mistake?

In these days of quality wars, there is an ever increasing demand to reduce errors and improve quality.  But in work, and in life, the fear of failure can impede progress!

Oversights can lead to unhappy customers and bad reputations. Valuable time and material are often wasted in order to correct inaccuracies. The entire flow of business can be disrupted by a single lapse in judgment.  Let’s face it, mistakes can be costly. Why would any smart professional actually encourage mistakes?

Twenty-first century business is moving at an ever increasing pace. The winners of today are “old news” tomorrow. Today’s market place demands new improved products delivered in more efficient ways. The future belongs to the innovators and innovation requires risk. John F. Kennedy once said “There are risks and costs to a program of action. But they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.” 

The only sure way to avoid making mistakes is to do nothing. Progress requires taking risks.  When you operate out on the edge, taking risks, there will always be a few mistakes. Mistakes are a crucial part of progress.  If your workplace over emphasizes avoidance of mistakes, workers operate out of fear and will never look for new ways to improve.

Mistakes are also critical to the process of learning. How often have you heard that you should learn from the mistakes of others and avoid your own? Actually, we rarely learn from the blunders of others. The real lessons, the ones we always remember, come through our own mishaps. You can never make enough mistakes to help others learn. They have to make some mistakes of their own.

Still, quality is important. So where is the balance? How can we encourage risk taking and, at the same time, minimize costly errors? The key is to learn from those mistakes and avoid repeats. To avoid repeated mistakes, we must bring those miscues to the surface where we can learn from them.

A business culture that penalizes errors also fosters cover-ups. If employees are constantly reprimanded for oversights they are more likely to hide rather than discuss their mistakes. The entire workforce benefits from a climate that encourages personal growth and welcomes mistakes as valuable tools for learning.

To error is human and to forgive divine. To use mistakes as tools for improvement is progress.

I am often asked to provide workshops regarding the delivery of feedback.  Recently, I developed a workshop on the best practices for obtaining feedback.  I called it Actionable Intelligence.
 
For some the term actionable intelligence is totally foreign.  Others may recognize it from its original military context.  It was used as early as the 1960’s to represent a piece of intelligence that was considered current, relevant and accurate enough to warrant immediate action.

It occurred to me that this term has a new and relevant application in our workplace. In fact, it has relevance in any aspect of our lives where we may seek improvement. What we really need, is actionable intelligence on ourselves. We need feedback from others that is reliable enough to guide our personal improvement efforts. 

The need for feedback

Some may wonder why they need feedback from others. "After all," one may say, "I'm not getting any complaints."  

David Maister, author of Practice What You Preach, once offered an excellent response to this. “In life, the absence of complaints is not a dependable indicator of the absence of opportunities to improve.”  Complaints are a Form of feedback and the absence of them may actually be linked to our inability to obtain actionable intelligence. 

You might be wondering why you can't just trust your own judgment.  How good is your judgment?  It is easy to develop blind spots regarding your own performance. It is also very hard to know what you don't know.  In some cases, you might even deceive yourself.

Illusions are an interesting aspect of life.  Some are perpetrated upon us while others are created totally within us.  Often, it's hard to tell the difference.  As AnthonyG. Greenwaldput it "The ego is a self-justifying historian, which seeks only that information that agrees with it, rewrites history when it needs to, and does not even see the evidence that threatens it."

Obtaining feedback

When looking at feedback, I like to consider four specific types.

There are two categories. One is general performance which involves things like physical ability, decision making and technical skill.  The other is interaction skill which relates to how we impact others and our level of emotional intelligence.

We also can consider the two aspects of feedback. We sometimes get positive feedback which we refer to as praise.  The there are times when we get feedback that leans a little more negative and is called criticism.

I have conducted a number of workshop exercises where I pair people up and ask them to get a piece of feedback in each of the four possible types.  In most cases, they find that positive feedback in the area of general performance is the easiest to give.  This same type stands out as the easiest to take.

By contrast, they find it very difficult to give criticism, especially in the area of human interaction.  Often I hear a comment such as “I don’t know them well enough to offer criticism.”  Why do we find it easy to offer praise to someone we don’t know but so much more difficult to give criticism?  In fact, it appears that this is often true even with those we know quite well.

Truth and Trust

In order for the intelligence to be actionable, it needs to be accurate.  We need to get the truth.  But given the difficulties we have discussed, how likely is it that we actually get the truth?  How often, when we are giving feedback, do we feel compelled to be somewhat less Than candid?

The number one reason for a lack of honesty in giving feedback is the lack of trust.  The biggest concern is how we will react.  When someone says they don’t want to hurt our feelings or make us angry, they do not trust our ability to take criticism without being hurt or getting angry.

Coupled with this lack of trust is fear.  People fear the potential consequences.  The consequences they fear could include excuses, arguments, guilt, rejection and even retribution.   The level of dishonesty is generally proportional to level of fear.

A common manifestation of this can be seen in a condition often referred to as CEO disease.  The higher one grows in their career and position of authority, the more they need accurate feedback and the less likely they are to get it.  I have also noted that this follows in many other relationships.  The more important the relationship is to the feedback provider, the more cautious they may be.

The good news is that there are things we can do to overcome these fears and build higher levels of trust.  It can be helpful to look at what might be causing the lack of trust. Trust is tied to judgment and expectations which are driven by one’s personal paradigm.

One’s paradigms are subject to what I call “the rule of 6 and 60.”  Judgments and expectations are based on the sum total of life’s experiences.  This includes experiences of 6 minutes ago and 60 years ago.  These include experiences the person has had with us as well as those they have had with others.

For example, if someone has a long history of conflict when trying to be open, that person is less likely to be open with you.  Similarly, if you have a history of over reacting to feedback, those who have experienced it or heard about it are likely to be less honest when talking with you.  Even if historic experiences have been positive, a recent negative reaction can cause a person to be less than trustful, even though it may not have involved you.

Building Trust

Armed with this understanding, we can identify some areas where we might have an impact on the level of trust and consequently on the levels of honesty and openness.

It is important to start by building a reputation for being open to criticism.  If you suspect that your reputation is already tarnished, you may need to acknowledge your concern and desire to improve.  You can then begin to demonstrate your resolve in one-on-one discussions or in open forums.

Formal approaches tend to stifle honesty.  Whenever possible, seek feedback in less formal settings.  If a person seems reluctant, you might ask what that person has heard from others.  This will take the focus (and potential blame) away from that person. Remember, you don’t need to ask for names, just information.

Sometimes you can put a person more at ease by starting with a self critique and asking for his or her opinion or advice.  Through a number of workshop exercises, we have noted that the more specific you can be with a feedback question or request, the more candid and helpful the response will be.

When actually receiving feedback it is important to focus on listening skills.  Listen to learn.  Don’t argue, defend or explain.  Try not to react to what you are hearing.  Think of it as gathering information to evaluate later.  This can be difficult.  I tell people to look at it like running a Google search on you.  In our work on emotional intelligence we point out that it is not about “not” having emotion; rather, it is about not allowing the emotion to have you.

You can continue the trust building process with what you do after receiving the feedback.  Thank them for their input.  You may not like what you hear, but you need to appreciate the effort to be open and honest.

Inform the person of any action you intend to take as a result of the feedback.  It is not necessary to act on everything you hear.  However, it may be a good idea to find something of value that you can act on.  This will show that you value the process. Finally, be sure to follow up with the person over time to get a read on your progress.

Honest, but reliable?

Up to this point, everything I have discussed has been about working toward getting our feedback to be open and honest.  I feel this is the most difficult and important part of actionable intelligence.  We cannot even consider feedback unless we know it is honest. Moreover, the trust building process is a significant step In itself.  Achieving a level of trust that allows open, honest communication is critical to all of our personal and working relationships.

So let’s assume we have reached this pinnacle and folks are giving us candid opinions regarding our general performance and interaction skill.  Before we can use the information for improvement, we need to know that it is actionable.  It may be an honest opinion and still be inaccurate.  How can we tell?

Some have said that a good indicator may be how well the feedback aligns with what we already know.  The potential problem with this line of thinking is that most of us are subject to confirmation bias.  We tend to seek information that validates the beliefs we already hold.  Jonathan Haidt speaks of this in his book, The Righteous Mind.  Studies have shown that those with the lowest performance also have the least accurate view of themselves.

The best validation is generally obtained by comparing information from multiple sources. Opinions on general performance may vary from person to person and accuracy tends to improve with sample size.  But when evaluating interaction skill, an honest statement of how you impact an individual personally will always be accurate.

Now what?

The final consideration is what to do with the intelligence we have obtained when we determine it is “actionable.”  The answer to this lies in your initial purpose for seeking the information.  Are you seeking feedback or validation!   No one likes criticism.  But we all can benefit from indentifying opportunities for improvement. While it feels great, validation will never give us anything we can actually use to improve.

Analyze the information to determine what is most useful.  Then look at what can be most readily acted on at the current time and in your current state.  This completes the definition of actionable.

Use it or lose it.  If you choose not to act on the intelligence, let it go.  Dwelling on things you choose not to change will only undermine your self esteem.  This actually hinders growth and stifles improvement.

In the end analysis, only you can uncover the benefits of actionable intelligence.

Conflict is an interesting game.

We think it is about the subject - about that issue being discussed. We think it is about arriving at that point of absolute truth which will tell us who is right and who is wrong. Of course, at the heart of this are two or more who are absolutely convinced that they are the ones gifted with the knowledge of what is right.

In most cases, the conflict is really about power and control. It is less about seeking the truth and more about seeking validation. Unfortunately, in most cases, that validation can only come by winning.

I liken the game to a pushing match. It generally starts by pushing points but rapidly escalates to pushing each other. Unfortunately, whenever we feel pushed, it is our human nature to push back. How do we push each other?

To describe that personal "push" I like to refer to actions or comments that prevent us from connecting and working together. In his book Living Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg describes a comment that prevents connection as one "...that sounds like an analysis, or a criticism, or that implies wrongness on their part."

I would add to this that we push others whenever we seek to invalidate them. This is done whenever we counter with statements that make their points appear small, unimportant or irrelevant. When we invalidate one's thoughts, we invalidate the person and that feels like a push. 

The question should not be who's right, or who's pushing whom. The question should be who has enough strength of character to stop pushing.

In business, and in life, our level of success is dependent on the strength of our relationships. Family, friends, co-workers, customers, clients, colleagues, associates, and even those who simply observe our actions contribute, in their own way, to the flow of our productivity. They may be assisting or they may be consuming but always they are serving as the point of reference for who we are and what we have to offer.

The most critical factor in building strong teams and sustaining strong relationships is trust and trust is established by keeping our commitments.

Keeping commitments, like all acknowledged virtues, is dealt with by each individual internally and is always a matter of choice.  Once made, commitments often create obligations that can be very difficult.  It is in this difficulty, in the struggle, that character is built, integrity established and trust forged.

Some recognize the value of certain virtues and consider the implications of their choices carefully while others follow the path of simple convenience.  All our choices are, in fact, subject to the level of commitment we have to ourselves - to our own core values and what we consider important.  Consequently, commitment to others can never be separated from commitment to self.

Fortunately, we can make it a bit easier to keep our commitments to ourselves and to others.  We also have a choice regarding what commitments we will make in the first place.  We can often avoid a bind down the road simply by considering the potential difficulties associated with keeping certain commitments.  "Look before you leap."

When looking at the commitments made to others, mutual understanding is critical.  Commitments should always be explicit.  They need to be fully expressed without any vagueness or ambiguity.  We can set ourselves up for problems when we imply, or allow people to infer, what the commitment entails.

We sometimes imply that we will do something we are not prepared to do.  "Don't worry I'll be there for you."  Am I implying that I will be available at any time of day or night for any need that may arise?  Are there circumstances that could arise that I am not prepared to "be there for?"  

Commitment by inference can be very difficult to avoid.  When we agree, for example, to chair a committee, there can be a lot of variance in the expectations people have of this position.  We have to anticipate what others may perceive and be prepared to ask questions that can help clarify the expectations.  This may take some time.  But failure to clarify can saddle us with a commitment that can be very hard to carry.          

We can't anticipate everything and there can be many reasons for choosing not to follow through or keep our word.  The obligation may be larger than expected or the journey longer than desired.  We may lose strength or lose heart.  We may fear that we will not do well or even fail.

But those people we deal with every day, the ones that have so much impact on our success, are always watching.  The strength of those relationships will be based on the tough choices, not the easy ones.  We will most often be judged not by the level of success so much as by the willingness to make the effort.

It may be said that it is better to keep a commitment and fail than to fail to keep a commitment.

Happy New Year!  I hope that each of you is looking forward to a busy and bountiful 2014.

With each new year there are new hopes, new plans and new resolutions.  The new year is a time for new goals and new commitments.  Why is it that these hopes, plans and resolutions are often abandoned before the end of the first quarter?  Is it all just a waste of time?  The new year seems like a great time to talk about ways to make goals work for you. 

Goals are critical to success.  Goals provide direction and motivation.  Achieving your goals can give you a sense of accomplishment and self confidence that will propel you further than you imagine.  I would like to offer three tips that may make a difference for you when setting goals this year.

First, make the goal positive.  Focus on something that you will do rather than something that you will limit, change or discontinue.  It is very difficult for the mind to focus on a negative.  When you say you want to stop eating the prevailing message is "eating."  It is much easier to focus on a goal such as eating more fruit.

Second, make the goals SMART.  Many have heard about the idea of SMART goals but I'll take just a few moments to review this valuable acronym.

   "S" stands for "specific" or "stated" in writing.  When the goal is specific and in writing there is no doubt about the goal's meaning and you can always check back to be sure you are on track.

   "M" stands for "measurable."  You need to state the goal in a way that you can measure progress toward completion and know for sure whether or not you actually got there.

   "A" stands for "achievable."  All goals should be challenging, pull out your best efforts and give you a true sense of accomplishment.  However, it does no good to set an unrealistic goal that cannot be achieved.  This will only lead to frustration and a sense of failure.

   "R" stands for relevant."  The goal should be relevant to your personal definition of success.  The goal should be important to you and serve as a valuable step on your path.  It is easy to abandon something that has little value or importance.

   "T" stands for "time" sensitive.  Set a deadline for reaching the goal.  Having a deadline will give you a sense of urgency and motivation.  The lack of a deadline promotes procrastination.

Your goals may be positive and may be SMART but you may still be set up for failure.  The final tip is to avoid what I call the Trap of the Triple Too's.  It's too complicated.  It's too long.  There are too many.

A goal can often be so large and complicated with so many steps that you flounder just trying to decide where to start.  It seems too overwhelming and impossible to face.The goal may also have too long of a time frame.  A deadline that is a long time away can be like no deadline at all.  There is no sense of urgency and it is easy to procrastinate.  There may be too many people involved in reaching the goal.  Any goal you set that depends on the actions of someone else is not a goal.  It is a wish.  All of these traps can be avoided when setting the goal by breaking it down into smaller, short term goals that are specific to actions you will take. 

Goals can be valuable tools for your success.  Consider taking a few moments right now to set one great goal.

Make it important!  Make it SMART!  Make it happen!

Isn't it remarkable how nature plays and replays the miracle of metamorphosis throughout the plant and animal kingdom?

I once sat on a boat dock and watched a dragonfly emerge from it's shell, struggle to dry itself in the sun and finally fly away.  The process took hours.  The fish weren't biting!

This same struggle for emergence - for the success of life - may be seen in other more abstract journeys as well.

Once upon a time Idea lie hidden in darkness.  Idea was without form or function.  Isolated and without substance, Idea had little hope of growing into anything real and meaningful.  She was afraid.  As she poked her head out of the nothingness, no one even noticed she was there.

Idea so wanted the chance to become a success - to live and to be appreciated.  Would anyone ever recognize her?  Would she come and go like a gentle breeze without a trace?  Would there be nothing to reveal that she ever existed?

After a time, Word came to Idea.  With Word's help, Idea began to take shape.  Over time, Idea started to be seen and even recognized.  Word gave Idea substance and a transformation began.  As more and more people noticed Idea, Hope came along.

With the help of Hope, Idea grew stronger.  Word was now able to add clarity offering concepts of how Idea felt and what it was like to be in her presence.  When Word introduced Idea to additional sensory perceptions such as sound and taste she grew even more. 

More people noticed Idea and some even understood her.  She started feeling safe, warm and wanted.  As Word traveled, Idea was shared with many and some even realized her tremendous potential.  Word and Hope started Idea on a transformational journey into something special.  Practically overnight she emerged as a Vision, a shared Vision.

Although Idea had become Vision, this journey of metamorphosis was just starting.  The road was was long and hard.  There was much to learn and more changes would be needed.  As Vision's popularity grew, more and more people came to take a look and with them came Evaluation.

Evaluation was joined by Suspicion and they suggested that Vision really had no value and should be sent back to nothingness.  They gathered a large group of Challenges who stood in Vision's path making things difficult and holding her back.  Vision decided to sit for a while and while she did Apathy came to her.

Apathy talked of how good it was just to sit there.  "Why bother to struggle with all those Challenges?  This journey is not that important anyway."  Vision began to think that Apathy was right.  The journey was too long and too hard. Perhaps all the effort would be for nothing.  Perhaps there was no reason to continue.

Vision missed Hope very much.  She knew that more help would be needed.  But where would the help come from? Then, like a knight in shining armor, Plan came riding down the road.

Plan could actually see a way around all the Challenges.   Plan could see the end of the journey and how to get there.  Plan called up Hope who came back immediately.  Together, they gave Vision new courage and strength and the journey continued.

With all this help Vision found that the road seemed straighter, easier and less of a struggle.  She was joyfully coasting down the hill when Apathy's little cousin Complacency came along side.

Complacency told Vision to relax.  It was easy to see that the next hill was low and Vision could gain enough speed going down this hill to coast over the next and on to the end of the journey.  There was no need to try or work any longer.  The journey was as good as over.

Vision welcomed the opportunity to relax.  How great it was just coasting down the hill.  She reached the bottom and continued coasting up the other side.  But then Vision began to slow down and came to a stop.  She was far short of the top of the hill and the hill was much steeper than she thought when Complacency was running along with her.

She was so close and now it looked as though she wouldn't make it at all.  If only she hadn't listened to Complacency and kept her speed up.  If only she hadn't slowed down.  If only...  But then, she felt a strong hand at her back.  Vision was actually being pushed up the hill.  Tenacity had come to save her.

With the help of Tenacity she made it to the top of the hill and down the other side.  She reached a cool stream, took a drink and fell asleep.  The morning was bright with a sweet smell in the air when Vision awoke.  But she wasn't Vision any more.  She had become Success.  The journey and the transformation was complete.

Every idea has potential but the road to success is long and arduous. We must nurture ideas with words, keep hope, and formulate plans.  We have to overcome challenges and not give in to apathy or accept complacency.  In the end it takes tenacity to complete the journey.

Success is like a fine chocolate.  The only thing sweeter is more!

Attitude is Everything!  I have used this old cliché for so many years, I can't even identify the original source.  Today, it has found its way to the titles of web sites and books.  Still, this simple statement carries a profound meaning and significant impact for our lives.

As we enter the holiday season, we experience a wide range of feelings.  There is significant diversity in the ways people perceive this time of year.  For some it is a time of giving while others focus on the "getting."  For some this is a time of joy and harmony while others experience a deep sense of foreboding and depression.

All of these experiences are real with a very real impact.  But the holidays are not the source of the feelings.  The holidays are just "the holidays."  It is our paradigms and our individual perceptions that define this time of the year for us.

This expresses the first of three ways our attitudes can change our world - personal impact.  When our attitudes turn negative, we tend to look for, and find, negative in everything we see.  The sun is too hot and the clouds are too dreary.  The moon is too bright and the darkness too scary.

These feelings inevitably lead to a decline in motivation and a decrease in performance.  With the decrease in performance comes a lack of results and low self esteem.  The poor results and lack of self esteem reinforce a negative paradigm and the cycle begins anew.

With a positive attitude the view is very different.  We look for, and find, beauty in our world and opportunity in our  experiences.  We are motivated to seek higher levels of performance and realize greater achievements.  We can see the value in any progress we make and celebrate it as success.  The success we see enhances our faith, improves our self esteem and reinforces the positive cycle. 

The second way attitudes impact our world is what I call interactional impact.  We are not alone in this world.  While there are a few exceptions, most of us interact with others on a frequent basis.  Whenever human interaction occurs, those involved have an impact on each other.

The nature of interactional impact is shaped by two factors - individual behavior and the resulting perception of that behavior.  If I perceive your behavior as positive it has a positive impact on me.  Both behavior and the perception of it are driven by attitude.

Of course, our attitude affects how we judge the behavior of others.  Some are even able to minimize the impact their own attitude has on their behavior toward others.  In either case, positive attitudes and positive behaviors create positive interactions.  Positive interactions stimulate increased motivation, improved performance and higher self esteem.    

The third way attitudes can impact our world is metaphysical impact.  As Wayne Dyer put it, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."  While they certainly change for you, based on your perception, many contend that things can be physically changed by attitude.

It is easy to see that that the outcome of interactions, and the results of our efforts can be changed by our attitude.  But this goes much further with a belief that attitude can actually stimulate physical change in our universe.  The best example lies in the importance of the positive attitude of faith when employing the power of prayer.      

Another example is in the concept of the Law of Attraction.  This concept is quite simple. We bring into our lives that which we think about.  If we think about positive things we desire, they come to us.  Conversely, if we focus on worry, on all the things that can go wrong, and all the ills of the world, we bring those into our lives as well.

It is easy to talk about attitude and to recognize the importance of attitude in our lives.  It is another thing entirely to control or change our attitudes in practice.  There are a number of things we can do to help create and sustain a positive outlook.

Practices such as meditation, prayer, and positive affirmations are a good place to start.  You can also establish a personal filter by controlling some of the things you are exposed to.  You can choose the people you associate with, the books you read, the programs you watch or attend and the websites you visit.  Every experience has an impact on you and on your attitude.     

Life is an on-going process.  We are always moving.  My practice and my advice is to focus on the journey - on improvement rather than perfection.  My goal is to be a little better tomorrow than I am today.  That can never happen with a negative attitude.  It takes desire, faith and work.

I have never believed that we can obtain everything we want simply by sitting back with a positive attitude.  To paraphrase what Thomas Edison once said, opportunity is often missed because it comes dressed in overalls disguised as hard work.

A positive attitude will make a difference.  You can improve yourself.  You can improve your workplace.  You can improve the world around you.  Share something positive, even if it's just a smile.

The sun is always rising somewhere!

That was too close for comfort!

How many times have your said that?  How many times have you heard it from others?

We often experience situations that blast through our comfort zones causing a sudden adrenaline rush with anxiety or fear. People, too, can get too close for comfort.  Each of us has a personal comfort zone that, when encroached upon, can cause a wide range of uncomfortable feelings.  We all have and need that invisible protective shell around us.  We all have and need boundaries.

Boundaries take two distinct forms - physical and emotional.  Physical boundaries have to do with the personal space around us.  Emotional boundaries have to do with the extent to which the actions of others have an emotional impact on us.  Our boundaries may change over time and will vary with respect to different people and different situations.  

Our personal space is a very important part of how we interact with others.  Personal interactions tend to be more positive, productive and successful when the parties are comfortable with the situation.  Discomfort can arise simply by an unintentional invasion of another's personal space.  In the early sixties, anthropologist Edward T. Hall coined the word "proxemics" to describe the study of how personal space is used in interactions.

Throughout the animal kingdom we see examples of the selective use of personal space.  As an example of social interaction we may note that birds tend to line up uniformly on a wire.  Deer will tend to spread out over a territory and over population can lead to sickness and starvation.  The herd of zebra can be comfortable seeing a lion but will begin to flee if the lion gets too close. 

This distance may change in different situations.  I can get pretty close to a Canada goose in my back yard and yet it can be very difficult for a hunter to get that close in the wild.  While I would be very cautious of a bear in the wild, I am much more comfortable in the protective confines of a zoo.        

We tend to keep our distance from strangers but will allow those we know to get much closer.  Someone who grew up in the country like me can be very uncomfortable having a lot of people in close proximity.  Those who come from more crowded environments have a different perspective. 

Cultural differences can have an impact on individual comfort zones.  North Americans, Northern Europeans and Asians tend to prefer more distance and little if any touching.  South American, Arab and Mediterranean cultures tend to be more comfortable with closer proximity and may appreciate physical contact.

Even situational expectations can affect our perceived need for space.  I might be disturbed by a stranger suddenly walking up to me.  However, I can be comfortable when close to a number of strangers while in line for a movie or in the stands at a ball game.   

Emotional boundaries are best defined as the limits placed on how much impact the actions or opinions of others can have our own feelings and self esteem.  The limits are established by saying "no."  This may be "no" to abuse, "no" to unreasonable demands, or "no" to offensive, belittling or hurtful comments.  It can be an outward expression. "No, I won't do that." It can be an inward expression. "No, I don't believe that." 

It is important for us to set boundaries.  Without a firm grasp of our own boundaries, we are like a ship without a rudder pushed and pulled by every wave of opinion or manipulation that rolls along.  Generally, those we care the most about can most easily impact our emotions.  But we choose who to allow to impact us and to what extent.  The key is in our ability to make those conscious rather than unconscious choices.     

In both forms of boundaries, we need to recognize the common links.  First,  boundaries are established through and driven by trust.  Boundaries are dependent on the level of trust we have but significantly influenced by our desire to establish trust and be trusted.  Second, we can only overcome the problems associated with boundaries through an understanding of how our perceptions of boundaries differ.  Finally, understanding is best facilitated through open, honest and direct expression of the boundaries.

It is important to find a positive way to advise others of your personal boundaries and when you are uncomfortable.  I have always liked a simple three part statement.  When you..., I feel... So would you please...  Here's an example.  When you stand too close to me, I feel very threatened.  So would you please back up just a bit?  Here's another.  When you point out my mistakes in public, I feel embarrassed.  So would you please discuss them with me in private?

You can't assume that others will be comfortable telling you about their boundaries.  In the interest of positive human interactions you need to be aware of the impact you are having on others.  Avoid threatening , intimidating, abusive and manipulative actions or  statements.

Watch facial expressions and body language for telltale signals that you are too close for comfort.  Discomfort can be expressed through widening of the eyes, furrowing of the brow, tightening or biting of the lips, leaning away or stepping back, tense or tightening muscles and a rigid posture.  

We all want and need appropriate boundaries.  Acknowledging ours and being sensitive to others' are essential to good relationships and a productive workplace.

"He makes me so mad!"  "She just rubs me the wrong way!"

How familiar are these phrases?  These comments and many like them are common in the workplace.  They are used in reference to managers, employees, co-workers, customers and clients.  Sometimes, they are even aimed at colleagues, friends and family.

But the truth is that no one makes you mad.  You make yourself mad.  People do what they do.  You decide if those actions "rub you the wrong way."  It's a choice!

I have often said that the success of any organization is dependent on the people who work there.  All organizational improvements begin with individual improvements.  The first step toward peak performance is taking responsibility for one's self.  Along with that responsibility comes a recognition of the awesome power of choice.

The greatest power we have as human beings is the power of choice.  We choose our behavior, our actions, and our reactions.  We choose our responses, not only to the actions and behavior of others, but to every single thing that happens in our lives.  We can't control the world or everything that happens in it but we do choose how circumstances affect us and how we react.

The mind is a wonderful tool.  It allows us to process immeasurable amounts of data, formulate judgments and make decisions with incredible speed.  In his book Think Better, Tim Hurson talks about three neural functions that help us analyze faster with less thought.  These functions can be very helpful when health and well being depend on quick decisions.  They can also help us avoid getting bogged down in over analysis on the endless decisions needed just to get through the day.

However, rapid judgments are not always accurate and quick decisions are not always the best decisions.  In our fast paced lives, the need for speed often leads to choices that are not well conceived.  Often, so little thought is given to the choice that it seems unconscious.

When the choices are unconscious and the results are problematic or painful it is easy to fall into the role of a victim.  The victim always has someone or something to blame.  They can blame their co-worker, their boss, the economy, the government and even the position of the moon.   

But even the unconscious choices are ours.  We must take responsibility for them.  We choose to be angry.  We choose to judge or blame others.  We choose to react without thinking.  Sometimes those reactions cause irreparable damage. 

Perhaps it is time to develop the discipline to avoid those "helpful" habits that speed along the process of judgment and decisions. Perhaps faster is not always better.  Perhaps we can slow down and think before we react.  Perhaps we can turn the unconscious into conscious.    

It is never good to languish in the swamp of self pity.  Accept the consequences of the choices made.  Then make better choices.

No!  I'm not talking about the stuff that that turns six strings into a screaming guitar.  I'm talking about the type of open, honest, direct communication that is critical to the process of identifying real opportunities for improvement.

Hundreds of managers have asked how to make their performance improvement processes more effective.  My answer is always the same.  Abandon annual reviews and focus on systems that offer frequent, honest balanced feedback.  

Annual performance reviews really do very little to improve performance.  I once heard someone say that depending on annual reviews to create improvement is like “dieting on your birthday and hoping to lose weight.”  To be really effective we need consistent on-going feedback.

But the value of feedback doesn’t begin and end at the workplace doors.  Feedback can help us improve in every aspect of our lives.  Well placed feedback offers avenues for improvement, increases self confidence, and enhances relationships.

Of course feedback is of little value unless we can trust the source.  There is an inherent link between trust and truth.  Trust rarely exists in the absence of truth and truth is rarely given in the absence of trust.  Yet folks frequently don't want to tell the truth and, all too often, people don't want to hear the truth. 

Feedback rides on the same two-way street.  To be successful we need to be skilled in both giving and receiving.  Gloria Auth with Protocol Plus says that "Giving feedback is not for bullies and receiving feedback is not for sissies."      

To receive good feedback we must first learn how to give permission.  That sounds easy.  Just ask for feedback!  Right?  Well we need to do a bit more than that.  We need to reassure people that we value their opinion and are really ready to listen to what they have to say.  We need to demonstrate open mindedness rather than search for approval.

We must always be aware that the giver will be watching our reaction.  When we get defensive or angry we are really telling others we don't want their feedback.  It is important not to take it personally and not to over react.  Remember, they are simply providing input that we can digest, consider and use or not use.

The most important thing for the giver is to first obtain permission to give feedback.  Six simple words can work wonders.  Can I offer you some feedback?   When we get permission we should use it wisely being sincere, honest and assertive.  The truth does not require a sugar coating.  Nor does it need to be delivered in a ring of fire.  We need to focus on the issue not the person.  No one really cares much about our opinion.  People are much more receptive to suggestions than to judgments.               

Finally, feedback must be balanced.  Even the most constructive of criticism carries a sting.  No one wants to live in a hive.  We need the balance of positive feedback as well.  Positive feedback builds self confidence and enhances trust.  Without acknowledgment that we are on the right track, we may start looking for another path.

I am not one who favors softening the blow by opening with a positive statement.  I think that approach sends mixed messages.  It is far better to simply view others with a balanced eye.  That means seeking as many opportunities to praise as we do to criticize.

Good feedback is like a lighthouse.  It reassures us when we are on a safe course and advises us when a course correction is needed.  And it does all this without ever casting a judgment upon us.  

How about a party?  Doesn’t that statement just have a way of getting your attention? The idea of getting together with others to socialize and share happiness is always uplifting. Parties offer us something to look forward to. Celebration and the sharing of good times can strengthen relationships and relieve stress.

Many businesses and teams gather together on a regular basis to celebrate birthdays and holidays.  These are great tools to show appreciation, build loyalty and enhance teamwork.  I strongly urge all businesses to take advantage of such opportunities to bring the element of fun into the workplace.

But there is another, often overlooked, opportunity.  This celebration not only offers needed enjoyment, relief and "down time," but actually encourages progress and performance at the same time. Celebrate success!

Celebration of success has a profound motivational impact. Thomas J. Peters, noted consultant and author of In Search of Excellence wrote that you should “celebrate what you want to see more of.” While routine parties are wonderful, they are rarely connected to achievement. When celebrations are tied to performance, they are seen as a reward, creating an added incentive - something tangible to strive for.

There are a wide range of opportunities for celebrating success in the workplace.  Most performance driven organizations have plans with milestones of progress.  They include specific goals for individuals and teams.  Each time a new milestone or goal is reached, you have a new opportunity to celebrate.  These celebrations can highlight a specific employee’s accomplishments or those of a team, department, or the entire organization. The celebrations can include all employees in the business of be limited to a specific workgroup.

Celebrations need not be limited to accomplishments within the confines of the work environment.  Tremendous loyalty can be built by celebrating an employee's personal achievements and recognizing milestones in their personal development. Schools recognize the importance of extra curricular activity to the growth of individuals.  When employees are involved in professional associations and organizations, the employer benefits from enhanced character, teamwork and performance.  Celebrate awards and other achievements beyond the workplace.  Try having a graduation, course completion or awards party!

Finally, don't forget to reward yourself.  My coaching programs emphasize that an individual should celebrate their own successes. It is great if your employer recognizes the value of such celebration, but you don’t have to depend on employers for recognition. You can throw your own party and invite friends, family and co-workers.

This is the perfect opportunity to thank those who have offered support and assistance. When you get into the habit of celebrating your own successes, you will find that each celebration provides greater motivation and a new boost of energy.

When was the last time your team had a party?  Maybe it's time for another one?

How many are the faces of diversity?

We have heard so much about this term, diversity.  In our society, our schools, our government and our workplace diversity is becoming an increasingly important area of study and concern.  Diversity training is mandatory in many sectors and the call for greater understanding seems to have reached nearly every business and organization.  For some the message has even grown stale.  "Do I have to attend another lecture on diversity?"

What comes to mind when you hear the word diversity?  Like many of the "buzzwords" we hear today it tends to be used in a very broad sense while meaning different things to different people.  For many, this term relates to issues of equal opportunity and laws protecting certain classes from unfair discrimination. Some people tend to focus on discrimination regarding race, or religion.  Others consider issues surrounding age or gender.  In my experience, there are additional protected classes commonly considered including ethnicity, sexual orientation, disability, national origin, political affiliation and veteran status.

But the diversity training of today goes beyond the legal prohibition of discrimination for protected classes and digs deeper, unearthing the concept of tolerance.  Teaching tolerance is more progressive in that it goes beyond prohibitions of discrimination where the law can be applied.  Tolerance is more of a social and personal concern where the concept involves each individual's acceptance of someone who is different.

Of course, teaching tolerance is not limited to schools, consultants or trainers.  Each and every one of us can be a part of the program.  We can share the importance of acceptance with others and, most important, we can lead by example.  We can also remember that tolerance is not limited to the ten common stereotypes I acknowledged above.  To make a significant social impact the understanding of diversity must go farther.

The only thing we all have in common is that we are different.  We come in different sizes and shapes.  We come with different backgrounds, abilities and limitations.  We have different levels of education and different types of experience.  Any one of these differences offers an opportunity for judgment and intolerance.  Each identification of a difference also offers an opportunity for acceptance and inclusion.

When it comes to building successful teams, businesses and organizations, tolerance is not enough.  Great leaders have diversity awareness; they recognize that there is strength in diversity and actually seek it.  These leaders search for diversity, identify the potential value of the differences and capitalize on them.  They build teams with members that are not like each other and different from the leader. 

One key difference is particularly important to success yet rarely sought - a different point of view.  The best decisions and initiatives emerge where different perspectives converge.  It is sometimes difficult to accept disagreement and even harder to admit being wrong.  With diversity awareness, people can accept and respect different points of view, evaluate the strength of each, and emerge with improved clarity and understanding. 

Life is for learning and you have nothing to learn from those who agree with you.